Prayer and patient perseverance. As you begin the battle, know that God is pleased with your desire for holiness and that his grace is working in your life. He will complete the good work he has begun in you (Phil. 1:6). Come to him in prayer and ask him often for the grace to be pure and specifically to overcome this habit.

The number one prayer you can offer is the holy sacrifice of the Mass. There is enough grace in one Communion to make you a saint. Tap into that fountain of purity! Spend an increased amount of time in personal prayer as well, and speak openly to Jesus about your struggles. Also pray the Hail Mary three times each day for purity of mind, body, and heart; frequent the sacrament of reconciliation; read Scripture; pray the rosary; make the stations of the cross; and develop a devotion to Saint Joseph. These form an arsenal of weapons against any sin.

When it comes to confessing the sin of masturbation, it’s understandable that many people would feel too embarrassed to mention it. But realize that there’s no sin that priests haven’t heard before. It’s not as if you discovered and broke an 11th commandment! Whether you’re male or female, you’re not alone in this struggle.

If you need to confess the same sin repeatedly, do so. The devil will try to discourage you, saying, “Hey, you’ve been back in the confessional so many times with this sin. Why don’t you give up? You can’t win.” Recognize these thoughts as a temptation and turn immediately to prayer. Know that the patient is healed who shows his wound to the physician. The confessional is the medicine box, Christ in the priest is the doctor, and that is the last place the devil wants you to be. You are on the winning team, and the Lord will not let you be snatched from his hand. You cannot do it alone, but you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength (Phil. 4:13).

Certainly, if you own any pornography, swimsuit posters, or vulgar music, get rid of them immediately. For the sake of love, guard yourself against such contamination. Replace these things with Christian music and put holy images in your room, especially where you usually fall into the sin. If you have a habit of watching a lot of television, find something else to do, such as exercise. This helps release tension and makes the body easier to master. Television is idleness filled with temptation, and that is kindling for the fires of lust. Saint Robert Bellarmine warned, “Flee idleness, for no one is more exposed to such temptations than he who has nothing to do.”[1]

To help you grow in discipline, set reachable goals. For example, make a commitment not to masturbate for three days, a week, a month, or whatever you feel is a reasonable time. When you have made it to that point, you will have an increased sense of confidence that you do have control over your body. Then, without falling back, bump up the time and abstain for a longer period. Keep this up until the vice is overcome.

During this time of discipline, give up tiny things. For example, skip salt on your fries, or skip seconds at a meal. These small sacrifices will help you grow in self-mastery, so that you gain self control. After all, we are slaves to whatever rules us. The difference is like that between a jockey who has no control over his horse, which gallops wildly through gardens and living rooms, and a jockey who has control and can win races and stop on command. That is a person fully alive.

This kind of self-control is challenging, but with the grace of God, all things are possible. If you ask for purity, not one grace will be lacking. Be patient with yourself, and do not give in to discouragement. According to the Gospel of Luke, “By your endurance you will gain your lives” (Luke 21:19). The prize of true love awaits those who are truly free, because they are the only ones capable of giving and receiving.

Lastly, it’s helpful to identify the factors that contribute to your habit. Often, we assume it’s simply lust when there are often other causes (such as stress, loneliness, boredom, etc).

________________________ [1]. St. Robert Bellarmine, The Art of Dying Well, as quoted in R. E. Guiley, The Quotable Saint (New York: Checkmark Books, 2002), 135.

Masturbation does not “get rid of” temptations any more than prostitution does. Both may temporarily relieve sexual desires, but our goal as Christians is not simply to get rid of temptations but to glorify God with our bodies. The idea that masturbation can be used to decrease sexual desires is like saying that lighter fluid can be used to extinguish a fire. If anything, masturbation incites lustful thoughts and teaches a person that he or she deserves—and needs—sexual gratification whenever the desire arises.

To understand why masturbation is wrong, we need to step back from the world’s constant clamoring for the fulfillment of sexual “needs” and go back to God’s plan for sex. Sexuality is meant to be a gift between a husband and wife for the purpose of babies and bonding. When it is taken out of that context, the gift is degraded and, in the case of masturbation, altogether ceases being a gift. The purpose of sexuality is abandoned, because the center of the sexual act becomes “me” instead of “we,” and the person is trained to look to himself for sexual fulfillment. The gift of sexuality is misused for the sake of lifeless pleasure.

When people misuse their sexuality in this way, they may begin to use pleasure to change their mood, release tension, or forget their loneliness. Masturbation becomes an escape. It may pacify them, but it will never satisfy them. They use the fantasies of their mind and the pleasures of their body to flee from reality and the call to love. Their goal in sexual activity has been reduced to merely receiving pleasure instead of showing love. If men and women have trained themselves to use their sexuality in this way, why would this suddenly change once they are married? The husband or wife will simply use the spouse as a substitute for the fantasies. The problem is that the lust will be transferred to the other, not healed within.

Furthermore, if the person has formed a habit of using lust as a means of dealing with stress, he or she may continue to turn to various forms of lust (porn, masturbation, infidelity, and so on) as a remedy to the stresses within marriage. Instead of seeking consolation in a healthy manner, the person learns to find solace in pleasure.

Getting married will not cure one’s problem with masturbation. Because masturbation has trained disordered impulses in the person, the true pleasures of marriage—though far superior—may not appease his or her warped attachments. Where will one turn to find those pleasures within marriage? Often he or she will continue to struggle with masturbation, to the sorrow and distress of the spouse and to the detriment of the marriage.

A person who does not preserve his own purity when alone will have a difficult time remaining pure with another. If he lacks self-control when alone, he will be unable to properly give himself to his spouse when the time comes. You cannot give what you do not possess. So if you do not have self-control, you cannot truly give yourself to another. To the extent that there is no gift of self, there is no love. Therefore, if you want to be able genuinely to love your spouse, you must build self-mastery.

This is a myth. When a man’s body needs to release seminal fluid, this will come in a natural manner during nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). There is not a constant buildup of pressure that will harm an individual unless he masturbates.

The next time you hear a claim like this, ask the person to show you the scientific evidence to support what he is saying. Odds are, he won’t have anything convincing to offer you. In the scientific realm, it’s not enough to say “I saw a study once that said so and so.”

Researchers not only need to perform rigorous scientific experiments, but they also should have their work reviewed by peers and published in a reputable science journal. The findings should also be repeatable, and confirmed by other similar studies. Unless these things are present, don’t give much weight to what others tell you they heard.

If anything, the scientific evidence seems to show that masturbation is detrimental for both men and women.

Despite what many modern sex educators may say, evidence shows that masturbation is detrimental to both men and women. If you have ever taken a class in psychology, you probably learned about Pavlov’s dog. Pavlov was a guy who rang a bell every time he was about to feed his dog. By doing this, the dog came to associate the bell with food, and would begin salivating at the sound of the bell. This is known as a trained response.

The human mind can be trained in the same way. In fact, the pleasure center of the brain is the most easily trained part of the human mind. This place in the brain is called the Medial Pre-optic Nucleus (MPN), and when the body experiences great pleasure, as in a sexual release, this part of the brain is rewarded. According to the research of Dr. Douglas Weiss, when a person experiences sexual arousal, the brain releases endorphins that help train the MPN to associate pleasure with whatever the person is doing, looking at, smelling, and so on.[1]

Unconsciously, a person forms a bond between a particular image, scent, or person and the feeling of sexual pleasure. (That’s one reason porn magazines have perfume samples in them).

During sexual pleasure, this bond is further solidified by the release of a neuropeptide called oxytocin. This also creates a bond between people during a sexual act. If a person is alone, it still creates a mental bond with whomever he or she is fantasizing about. However, this bonding mechanism is damaged through casual sexual arousal.[2]

This scientific discovery sheds new light on Paul’s words: “Do you not know that he who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’ . . . Shun immorality. Every other sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the immoral man sins against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:16–18).

When a person experiences sexual pleasure while masturbating and lusting after another in his imagination, he is training his brain to be stimulated by fantasy images in his own mind. If this is what a person’s brain identifies as the cause of sexual joy, then where does this leave his or her spouse one day? A spouse is not a fantasy image that you act upon, but a real human being with his or her own personality, feelings, emotions, etc. Yet instead of being able to take joy in the actual person in the marriage bed, the individual trained by masturbation may be driven to find stimulation in inner fantasies even while trying to make love to his or her spouse. Sometimes men and women may look beyond their own imagination to adultery, strip clubs, pornography, or a disordered lust for one another to satiate their desires. Sometimes, the habit of masturbation continues within marriage in order to take care of sexual “needs.”

Now, this does not mean that you are doomed to a dysfunctional marriage if you have ever experienced sexual pleasure with anyone other than your husband or wife. However, it does mean that you will have obstacles to overcome that those without such a history will not struggle with. The brain can be retrained, but it will take time according to how well-entrenched the habit of lust has become.

This should show us that God’s plan for our sexuality is stamped into our anatomy. When people live according to God’s truths, their bodies will associate sexual joy with their spouse. God has designed our bodies to ensure that a married couple will be physiologically drawn toward each other. Their minds have been trained that way. As the Bible says, “Let your fountain be yours alone, not one shared with strangers. And have joy of the wife of your youth, your lovely hind, your graceful doe. Her love will invigorate you always. Through her love you will flourish constantly” (Prov. 5:17–19). _________________________________ [1]. Douglas Weiss, M.D., The Final Freedom (Fort Worth, Texas: Discovery Press, 1998). [2]. Eric J. Keroack, M.D., and John R. Diggs, Jr., M.D., “Bonding Imperative,” A Special Report from the Abstinence Medical Council (Abstinence Clearinghouse, April 30, 2001).

We cannot justify a physical sin by mentally distracting ourselves from our actions. It’s like asking if it’s okay to shoplift as long as you are thinking about feeding the homeless. Your mind may be doing one thing, but your actions say another. You could even compare it to the kiss of Judas. His body showed love to Christ, but his intentions were the opposite. When you masturbate while trying not to lust, it’s like doing the reverse. You are supposedly doing something noble with your mind, and something ignoble with the gift of your sexuality.

The problem with masturbation is not simply the lust of the imagination, but the misuse of the body.

What’s happening is that you’re trying to bargain with temptations. We know from revelation that Satan is an exceptionally cunning fallen angel. The name “Lucifer” means “light-bearer,” and this means that his intellectual abilities far surpass anyone’s on the planet. When you try to cut a deal with him, you lose—every time. How many times has he duped us into thinking, “Oh, it’s not that big of a sin. God will understand. I can go to confession later. How am I supposed to be perfect? It will just be this one time. . . , etc.”? We should not reason with our lust or make excuses for it. We must reject it, so that we can be free to love.

Be assured that where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more (Rom. 5:20). I recommend four steps that will help you resist the temptation in the future.

First, you must deepen your prayer life. Prayer is essential for those who want to persevere in purity. In particular, go to Mass often, receive the sacrament of reconciliation whenever you fall, and develop a strong devotion to the rosary and to Saint Joseph. This is pretty much a one-two three punch for fighting temptation.

Second, do whatever you can to rid yourself of occasions of sin. If you have pornographic magazines or videos, throw them all away immediately. Since the Internet has been a problem, at the very least you should install filtering software on your computer.

Another useful strategy is to put holy objects and pictures wherever you had the images. If it is on the Internet, put a crucifix or picture of Our Lady on top of the computer, and have a sacred image for your screen saver or computer wallpaper. You could also make the sign of the cross, or bless yourself with holy water when you feel tempted. Saint Teresa of Avila said, “I know by frequent experience that there is nothing which puts the devils to flight like holy water.”[1].

Third, find a person with whom you can be honest about your habit, and be accountable to him. A priest, family member, youth minister, or good friend should be able to help you win the battle. As the Bible says, “Two are better than one. . . . If they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up. . . . And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccles. 4:9–12). The web site covenanteyes.com is helpful in this area.

It is also helpful to have this person in your life as an example of how to treat others. In the case of men, Pope John Paul II said, “Men must be taught to love, and to love in a noble way; they must be educated in-depth in this truth, that is, in the fact that a woman is a person and not simply an object.”[2].

Fourth, take a look at your motivation to overcome the habit. Are you simply trying to conquer the temptations because the habit is embarrassing or because you are afraid you will be caught? Elevate your motivation so that you are working to overcome the problem for the sake of love. Do it for the love of God and to make yourself worthy of your future bride or groom.

When a person looks at pornography, on some level he or she is looking for love. It is a warped attempt to give of yourself and receive another. The fantasies may seem as if they are entirely yours, although a million other people feel the same way toward them. If a person longs for love, then he or she must strive to acquire the selflessness that will enable him or her to properly love another. Getting rid of porn should not be seen as a loss but as an opportunity to grow in that selflessness.

If you’re a young man, imagine that you found the woman of your dreams and got married. As you carry her across the threshold of your honeymoon suite, she wraps her arms around your neck, looks into your eyes, and whispers how excited she is. She tells you that she has waited all her life for this day, and to make it extra special, she has been looking at thousands of pornographic images of men on the Internet. How would you feel? You see, not only should we wait for our spouses with our bodies; we must wait for them with our minds. So for the sake of love, trash the pornographic magazines, Web sites, and videos. If you are called to the sacrament of marriage, isn’t your bride worth waiting to see, instead of filling your mind with images of other women’s bodies?

If you persevere in the battle for purity, you can and will lose the desire to look at pornography. You will not lose sexual desire, but when you see others degraded, you will be filled with pity for them instead of lust. What many people do not realize is that the virtue of purity is not supposed to annihilate your attractions. It won’t kill your sexual desires or cause you to forget the attractiveness of others. It will open your eyes to the full beauty they possess, so that you won’t want to look at them as mere body parts.

In the words of C. S. Lewis, “Lust is a weak, poor, whimpering whispering thing when compared with that richness and energy of desire which will arise when lust has been killed.”[3] When you trash the porn and decide to actually love, you will see that the passing satisfaction of porn was nothing but an illusion that promised you everything and gave you nothing.

Lastly, it’s helpful to identify the factors that contribute to your habit. Often, we assume it’s simply lust when there are often other causes (such as stress, loneliness, boredom, etc). Until you get to the root of these other issues and find healthy ways to handle them, then the problem of porn will be much more difficult to overcome.

_______________________ [1]. St. Teresa of Avila, The Life of St. Teresa of Avila (New York: Cosimo, Inc., 2006), 240. [2]. Karol Wojtyla, The Way to Christ (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc., 1984), 38. [3]. C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce (New York: MacMillan Publishing Company, 1946).

The problem with using pornography is that it emasculates men, degrades women, destroys marriages, and offends the Lord. You may be thinking: “That’s going a little overboard, don’t you think? I mean, what’s wrong with checking out a few Internet sites?” Take a look at the effects of pornography, and you will see why real men do not use it.

What does pornography do to a man? For starters, because it cripples his ability to love, it robs him of the capacity to be a man. The essence of manhood consists in readiness to deny oneself for the good of a beloved. This is why Saint Paul reminds husbands in his Letter to the Ephesians that their love must be like that of Christ, who allowed himself to be crucified for the sake of his beloved, the Church (Eph. 5:21–33).

Pornography defeats this calling. Instead of denying himself for the good of the woman, a man, through the use of porn, denies the woman her dignity in order to satisfy his lust. In essence, pornography is a rejection of our calling to love as God loves. It is no wonder that those who use it are never satisfied. Only love satisfies. One marriage therapist noted, “People who use pornography feel dead inside, and they are trying to avoid being aware of that pain. There is a sense of liberation, which is temporary: that’s why pornography is so repetitive—you have to go back again and again.”[1]

Her insights are well understood by those who have felt entrapped by the allure of lust. One recovering porn addict admitted that viewing pornography “brings intense disappointment, precisely because it is not what I’m really searching for. It’s rather like a hungry person standing outside the window of a restaurant, thinking that they’re going to get fed.”[2]

In a way, the fact that pornography allows men to indulge their lust without having to worry about pregnancy or STDs is part of the problem. It encourages him to live in a world in which sexuality offers only pleasure without meaning or consequences, in which “no one gets pregnant, no one catches a disease, no one shows signs of guilt, fear, remorse, embarrassment, or distrust. No one suffers from the sexual activities of others and the men, at least, are always carefree, unrestrained. . . . The priority of lovingly protecting one’s partner is of little concern in pornography because no harm seems possible.”[3]

Living in a world of fantasy allows a guy to escape from reality and evade the demands of authentic love. Therefore, it does not liberate him. It enslaves him. Put simply, pornography is the renunciation of love. As the writer Christopher West said, “[Pornography] seeks to foster precisely those distortions of our sexual desires that we must struggle against in order to discover true love.”[4]

For the person who indulges in porn, the purpose of sex becomes the satisfaction of the erotic “needs,” not the communication of life and love. Pornography trains a man to value a woman only for what she gives him rather than for the person she is. Because he is so focused on what he is getting, he doesn’t learn to give.

Some guys will slough this all off, saying, “Boys will be boys,” or “I’m just appreciating the beauty of womanhood,” or, “I like the articles in the magazine.” Sometimes they will realize how unconvincing these arguments are, and they will become resentful, saying, “You want to repress sexuality and rob women of their freedom. It’s unhealthy for you to have such little appreciation for women!” This defensive attitude is apparent in the way strip clubs advertise themselves as “gentlemen’s clubs” for “adult entertainment.” Why would a man feel the need to justify his behavior as “gentlemanly” or “adult”? A man does not need to announce that he is a gentleman, nor do adults need to remind others that they are mature. Actions speak for themselves.

Yet even when a man’s lack of self-control makes him immature and his behavior cannot be reconciled with the title “gentleman,” he still feels a need to identify with authentic manhood. No matter how far we fall, Christ has still stamped into our being the call to love as he loves. If we untwist the lies and humbly come before the Lord in our woundedness, he will raise us up and make us true men. To do this, we must have the courage and humility to look at his plan for man and woman. When Jesus warned that anyone who looks lustfully at a woman commits sin with her in his heart (Matt. 5:28), he spelled it out in no uncertain terms that it is not enough to avoid pregnancy or STDs. It is not even enough to avoid impure sexual contact; we must also resist impure sexual thoughts and looks.

What does pornography do to women? Since it trains men to think of women as objects to be used instead of persons to be loved, guys speak of them as objects and treat them as objects. One longtime producer in the porn industry admitted “My whole reason for being in this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care much for women and want to see the men in my industry getting even with the women they couldn’t have when they were growing up. I strongly believe this, and the Industry hates me for saying it.”[5] He added that the porn industry is simply “a playpen for the damned.”[6]

When men learn their concept of intimacy from videos and magazines, they may accept the idea that a woman’s no is actually a yes and that she enjoys being used. This can lead to a rapist mentality. Consider, for example, a study done in the Oklahoma City area. When 150 sexually oriented businesses were closed, the rate of rape decreased 27 percent in five years, while the rate in the rest of the country increased 19 percent. In Phoenix, Arizona, neighborhoods with porn outlets had 500 percent more sex offenses than neighborhoods without them.[7]

Ted Bundy raped and killed dozens of women. Sentenced to die in the electric chair, he requested that his last interview be with Dr. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. In that meeting Bundy talked openly about pornography and told Dr. Dobson that his struggles all began there. He explained that all his fellow inmates had an obsession with pornography before going to prison. Porn magazines and videos lay at the root of innumerable rapes and murders. Countless victims of child molestation also report that their abusers exposed them to pornography as an attempt to desensitize and seduce them. No one can tell the husbands, siblings, children, and parents of those violated and deceased women that pornography is harmless. Besides, wouldn’t it infuriate you if a guy simply looked at a woman you loved in the same way he looked at pornography?

It should be noted that pornography addiction is not just a “guy” problem. Many women struggle with it as well, and they experience the same consequences. They often feel an additional sense of isolation and shame because they assume that women shouldn’t struggle with lust. Because of this myth, they often keep their habit secret instead of seeking help to overcome it.

While men often view pornography to see what they would like to receive, women sometimes view it wondering what they need to look like, how they need to act, and who they need to be. But such women need to realize that women were not created to be porn—they were created to be loved. If you’re a woman who struggles in this area, you’re not alone. Many women have written blogs for us on their struggle with porn addiction, and what they did to break free.

What does pornography do to marriages? To be blunt, pornography is the perfect way to shoot your future marriage in the head. Imagine that a young man has a habit of using pornography, and he does not reveal this to his fiancée. He hopes that once he is married, the desires for illicit sexual arousal will subside. But what becomes of his lust once he marries? It does not disappear; it is foisted upon his wife. The pornography has trained him to react to the sexual value of a woman and nothing else. He has trained himself to believe that women should be physically flawless and constantly sexually accessible.

Even if he rejects this intellectually, the fact remains that pornography has warped the way he looks at women. You could say that he views the world through porn-goggles. He only knows how to look at women through the lens of lust. One psychologist who specializes in sexuality problems noticed, “the more time you spend in this fantasy world, the more difficult it becomes to make the transition to reality.”[8]

Provided a man’s wife is a life-size Barbie doll with a squad of makeup artists and hairdressers who follow her around the house, things might run smoothly for a time. But when reality confronts fantasy, the man will be left disillusioned, and the woman’s self image will suffer. No real-life woman can ever fulfill his disordered desires and fantasies. They focus solely upon self-centered gratification rather than mutual self-giving and joy in pleasing one’s spouse.

One woman explained that if a man’s real-life partner is not always as available sexually and willing to do whatever he wishes as the women he has fantasized about, he may accuse her of being a prude. If she looks normal, and unlike the models he has come to adore, he may accuse her of being fat. If she has needs, the passive images in the magazines, then she may seem too demanding for him.[9]

In other words, he will be quick to blame his disorder on her; his fantasies will have robbed him of the ability to be truly intimate with his wife. One reason he is unable to have healthy intimacy with his wife is because intimacy is not an escape from reality but the capacity to see the beauty of the other. The presence of lust in the heart of the man blocks his ability to view the woman as a person. He has reduced her to an object and ignored her value as a person. When this happens he forfeits love. True intimacy is impossible.

It has been said that the problem with pornography is not simply that it shows too much but that it shows too little. It reduces a woman to nothing more than her body. Thus a man will assume that the greater the body, the greater the value of the woman. With this mindset men not only expect their future wives to look no less perfect than Miss September; they also don’t appreciate a woman’s most beautiful and precious qualities, since a centerfold display can never reveal these. This drives men to look elsewhere in an impossible quest to satisfy their lust. After all, pornography fosters the false mentality that casual, uncommitted sex is the most fulfilling and enjoyable. Who does not want to be fulfilled?

One response to the marital dissatisfaction often caused by pornography habits is to bring pornography into the bedroom. This is a vain effort on the part of the man to have the illicit excitement he has formed an attachment to. The poor wife may allow this, but the joy of loving has escaped the man, who no longer sees the value of the person and the need to deny himself for her. Married couples who use pornography find that their marital problems only worsen. If a husband needs to pretend that his wife is someone else in order for him to be excited, then he will become less and less drawn to her. Instead of making love to her, he is destroying love between them. At the very moment he is supposed to be renewing his wedding vows with his body, he’s committing adultery in his mind.

Because the effects of pornography are so severe, Christian men and women have an obligation to rid their lives of it. According to Pope John Paul II, God “assigns the dignity of every woman as a task to every man.”[10] When we act in a way that is contrary to the dignity of others, we act contrary to our own dignity. For this reason, the Holy Father says, “each man must look within himself to see whether she who was entrusted to him as a sister in humanity, as a spouse, has not become in his heart an object of adultery.”[11]

Even if pornography had no adverse effects on people, we must never forget that sin is not simply a social matter. We owe it to our neighbors to love them, but we also owe it to God to honor him in all our actions and thoughts. To lust after his daughters is a grave sin, even if no one becomes pregnant as a result of another’s imagination. “So shun youthful passions and aim at righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call upon the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22).

_______________________ [1]. Estela Welldon, as quoted in Edward Marriott, “Men and Porn,” The Guardian (November 8, 2003). [2]. John Paul Day, as quoted in Edward Marriott, “Men and Porn,” The Guardian (November 8, 2003). [3]. Richard Wetzel, M.D., Sexual Wisdom (Ann Arbor, Michigan: Proctor Publications, L.L.C., 1998), 72. [4]. Christopher West, Good News About Sex and Marriage, (Ann Arbor, Michigan: Servant Publications, 2000), 84. [5]. Robert Stoller, Porn: Myths For The Twentieth Century (New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press, 1993), 31. [6]. Stoller, 32. [7]. U.S. Department of Justice, Child Pornography, Obscenity, and Organized Crime (Washington, D.C., February 1988). [8]. Marriott, “Men and Porn,” The Guardian (November 8, 2003). [9]. Laurie Hall, “When Fantasy Meets Reality” (www.pureintimacy.org). [10]. Pope John Paul II, general audience, November 24, 1982. As quoted by Man and Woman He Created Them, 519. [11]. Pope John Paul II, apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem 14 (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women) (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1988).

Here is one strategy for handling it: Every time one of those impure images pops into your mind, take that as an reminder to pray for that person’s conversion. Pray specifically for her (or him). That way, instead of contributing to their fall, you could impact their salvation. This makes up for the times you have lusted after the person but will accomplish even more. If you persevere in this practice, I would imagine that the thoughts subside considerably.

Other than this, continue with your prayer life and remain pure in your day-to-day relationships. Also, deepen your devotion to Mary. We need to have our image of womanhood redeemed, and praying a daily rosary is an ideal way to begin this reconstruction. The remedy for pornography is to understand the dignity of womanhood (and manhood) and the truth about your call to love. Persevere in this practice, and your lust will be transformed into love.

In the meantime, stay strong. Resisting these temptations will foster in you the virtues that will help you to become most fully who God created you to be.

You’re right. Whenever the topic of porn is addressed, people often give off the impression that no woman has ever struggled with it. This makes the women who have seen pornography feel like there’s something especially wrong with them.

Decades ago, pornography was almost entirely a male issue. That’s because if a guy wanted to see it, he’d have to drive to an “adult” bookstore or overcome his embarrassment to purchase a risqué plastic-wrapped magazine from a newsstand. Women simply weren’t interested in going to so much trouble to see nudity. They were content reading steamy romance novels that involved relational plots.

With the advent of the Internet, everything changed: Instead of going out of your way to see porn, you now need to go out of your way to avoid it! With the greater accessibility of porn through websites, webcams, chat rooms, and so on, more and more women have become ensnared by the habit.

Some women stumbled upon it by accident. Others sought it out because of curiosity. Still others were drawn into it while seeking virtual companionship online. No matter what the case may be, countless women have become hooked on it, and are too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. Whereas it’s taken for granted that millions of men view porn, there’s a significant social stigma about a woman viewing it (as if a woman’s gender made her more guilty)! She thinks, “This is supposed to be a guy problem. Something must be wrong with me because I’m trapped in this habit.” Such a fear may even keep her from confessing the sin, because she’s afraid of how she might be judged by the priest.

Some feminists propose that the solution is to tear down the walls of gender stereotyping so that women can look at porn just as freely as men, without being judged. However, the solution isn’t to remove the social stigma of women viewing porn. The solution is to rehabilitate the conscience of both men and women so that they realize that the habit should be overcome for the sake of love.

This may be surprising to read, but a child’s perception of pornography is more realistic than that of a grown man. Men who are accustomed to viewing porn have developed elaborate mental rationalizations as to why their hobby is nothing more than entertainment divorced from reality. They learn to see soulless bodies, not persons. In their mind, it’s not real life. On the other hand, the shock that children experience when they are exposed to pornography is the result of their ability to see persons as persons.

Pure hearts perceive it: porn is real life, and involves real people. Unfortunately, porn addicts never consider the lives of women before or after the porn is filmed. Many of them are teens and young women who have been enslaved within the multi-billion-dollar sex-trafficking industry. According to those within the porn industry, the models are often drunk and strung out on drugs and were almost certainly abused as children or teens.

While on Larry King Live, Pam Anderson shared, “Well, you know, I grew up in a very—in an alcoholic home and there was violence in my household. And I think it’s just my model of a relationship. . . . I remember the first time I worked with Playboy, my first cover. I was in tears. I was afraid they were going to see something. That obviously changed rather quickly. I lost my modesty.” Howard Stern asked another famous porn star if it’s true that many porn stars were molested or raped. She denied it, and affirmed her willingness to pose for the pictures and videos. However, later she admitted that before entering the porn industry, she had been raped by numerous men, beaten, and left for dead.

But what happens to the model after the pornography is filmed? Many porn stars aren’t even alive, because those within the industry have an enormous mortality rate (drug overdose, suicide, murder, AIDS, etc). Furthermore, many pornographic images and videos are of women who have since quit the business, but do not have the legal rights to remove their images. I know of one who couldn’t handle the lifestyle after her fourth abortion. I met another who had been a stripper in Los Angeles. While she was stripping, she said it was the lowest point in her life. While on stage, she said the men would cheer, but she died inside. When I met her, her husband had kicked her out of the house and she was homeless and trying to win a custody battle for her child. She was scrubbing the floors of a hotel at 3:00 in the morning to make ends meet.

Meanwhile, those who view porn imagine it’s only a fantasy-world into which they escape. They wish it were pretend, so that they could wash their hands of any guilt in the crime. The brush off any responsibility for women by saying, “Well, she’s willing to do it. No one’s getting hurt.”

But this isn’t Hollywood. There are no stunt doubles and pretend deaths. The ex-porn star’s four aborted babies weren’t fake. One ex-Playboy bunny said, “It took me close to 20 years, to undo what was done to me in pornography.” She knew of another playboy model who had to have “her reproductive organs removed because of venereal disease.” Not long ago, police in Florida found the corpse of a playboy model, burnt in a dumpster in Miami. It wasn’t fake. In porn, it’s real people, really getting used, and really agreeing to do it in order make money off others.

These are only a few small examples of the lives of those within the porn industry. It’s impossible to fathom the depth of human suffering that it has caused. And none of this even considers the effects of porn on the viewer. C.S. Lewis perhaps summed it up best when he was addressing the problem of lust:

“For me the real evil of masturbation [and porn] would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: send the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. … After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

Let’s say you meet a beautiful woman, and the two of you become best friends. Before long, you’re in love, and eventually you ask her to marry you. The two of you go off to your honeymoon, and return to discover that she’s now pregnant with your first child, a little girl.

When the baby arrives, you’re the first to see her in the delivery room. Tears fill your eyes as you look at this miniature version of your bride. You’re in love all over again, and you stand in awe of what you and your wife and your God have created. You raise her with love, teach her to ride a bike, and swoop her into your arms if she ever stubs her knee. She’s your princess, and you’re her king, and the both of you know it. Years go by, and you begin to raise a family.

Today, it’s her seventeenth birthday and so she has a pool party with her friends. She walks out of the house in her bathing suit, and your son takes the opportunity to grab his digital camera and take pictures of her. Since she’s so attractive, he publishes the pictures, and even puts them on the Internet. Before too long, there are hundreds of thousands of strange men across the world lusting after your princess. They stare at her body, and make all sorts of sick jokes about what they think of her, and what they’d like to do to her.

At this point, how do you feel? Would you be comforted if they said they were “just appreciating the beauty of womanhood?”

Now imagine the heart of God the Heavenly Father, who loves his daughters infinitely more than you or I could ever love ours. The women in swimsuit magazines are daughters of the King of Heaven, whether they realize it or not. What’s sad is that we sons have made a market selling His daughters. For this reason, Pope John Paul II challenges us: “each man must look within himself to see whether she who was entrusted to him as a sister in humanity . . . has not become in his heart an object of adultery.”(1) We’re called to treat women with the honor, purity, and reverence that we would expect all men to treat our daughters with.

I had all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues back in high school, and I knew all the reasons why it supposedly wasn’t that bad. Granted, none of these arguments really convinced me, but why would I care? I just enjoyed seeing the women. Before I could realize or stop it, the way I saw all women became warped. My standard of physical beauty became that of impossible perfection. As the eye wanders from one page to the next in the magazine with lust, your eyes begin to gaze from one girl to the next in the mall or on campus. Before long, you assume that constant lust is pretty much natural for a teenage guy.

Then, we see girls in school or even at church, and without even realizing it, we are turning them into objects. We begin to measure the value of a woman by how much lust she generates in us. We become shallower and shallower. Meanwhile, we lull our consciences to sleep by saying that it really won’t affect us that much. The images of porn brand themselves into our minds, and I know all too well how long it takes to erase them.

But it isn’t just the images that stick with you. Your wandering eyes stay with you. They don’t turn off and stay on one girl when you enter a relationship. You trained them to look at everything that could possibly arouse them. They became gluttons for lust. Now married, I still feel the effects of the porn and swimsuit magazines I looked at over ten years ago. It trains you to have unfaithful eyes: to wander with your eyes towards every attractive woman around. I’m not talking about lusting after every woman, but having a tendency to want to look at every beautiful woman within a hundred yards of you. But my eyes, like my heart and my body, belong to (my wife) alone. If I know there is an attractive woman walking my way in the mall, I should look somewhere else, instead of needing to at least glance at her. Now, it’s no sin just to see a beautiful woman, but we must re-train ourselves for monogamy (one wife), because porn trains us to have mental polygamy (many wives).

What do you do when you see a gorgeous woman? I recommend that you say in your heart the words of Psalm 84: “How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Mighty God.” Because every person is a temple of the Holy Spirit, we can rightly thank God for the beauty of where he dwells. ____________________________________________ 1. Pope John Paul II, apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem 14 (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women), (Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 1988).