It’s not wrong to be attracted to what is good and beautiful. In fact, God is the one who created every woman’s beauty, and all beauty is a share in His. So, God is not upset if you’re amazed at His creation. Let the beauty of every women remind you of the infinitely greater beauty that awaits you in heaven, if you persevere in purity.

By practicing purity, you won’t lose your awareness of the beauty of creation. In fact, you’ll have a heightened sense of it. By rejecting lust, John Paul explained that ‘‘we acquire the virtue of purity, and this means that we come to an ever greater awareness of the gratuitous beauty of the human body, of masculinity and femininity. This gratuitous beauty becomes a light for our actions.’’

What he means is that the person who possesses a pure heart is able to see a woman’s body as an invitation to love, not a mere temptation to lust. So, when you see an attractive woman, feel free to thank God for her beauty. You could even use the words of Psalm 84: “How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord, Mighty God.” In ancient times, this passage referred to God’s dwelling place, the temple in Jerusalem. But in the New Testament, our bodies are considered God’s temples (1 Cor. 3:16; 6:19). Therefore, allow the beauty of God’s creation to remind you of Him.

On the other hand, realize that in order to see God, sometimes we need to turn away from things and people that might attract us. In fact, sometimes God does not want to be attractive to us. That might sound strange, but Mother Teresa often spoke about how she would pick up dying people from the street who were covered with maggots. She recognized the face of Christ in them, but it wasn’t easy to look at them. What God cares about is the intention of our hearts. He does not judge us by our attractions. In fact, because these sick and dying people were so difficult to look at, it was all the more virtuous for Mother Teresa to love them. She will be given a greater reward in heaven for overcoming her natural inclinations to look away.

Sin is often more alluring than virtue. That’s why it takes strength to choose what is less attractive in order to do what is right. For example, when we fast and abstain from meat on Fridays in Lent, it’s not a sin to be attracted to a steak. In the same way, when Jesus was in the desert, all the things the devil promised him were more appealing than the desert and the cross. But because Christ loved his Father above all things, doing His will was more appealing than anything the world could offer. Likewise, it is not wrong for you to be drawn to something good, especially a human person. Ultimately, your virtue or vice is determined by what you do with such attractions.

So be at peace if you find women to be amazing. You’re not alone

As you know, when you arrive at college, no one will be at school to hold your hand and take you to church. No one will be there to choose your friends or tell you when it’s time to go back to the dorm on Friday nights. Because of this, you have the opportunity to advance in spiritual maturity or to fall away. The decision is in your hands. Therefore, have confidence. St Julian of Norwich said, “God] did not say: You will not be troubled, you will not be tempted, you will not be distressed. But he said, ‘You will not be overcome.”

To help you stay strong, here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. Find good friends. This is perhaps the best strategy to stay strong in college. If you study the lives of the saints, you’ll discover that a great number of them were friends with other saints. St. Francis Xavier was the college roommate of St. Ignatius Loyola. St. Clare and St. Francis were great friends, as were St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila. You may think, “That’s nice, but I don’t think the people in my dorm are going to get canonized a saint any time soon.” While that may be true, it shouldn’t stop you from finding friends who will help you become more fully yourself.

Finding good friends also means sometimes turning down the opportunity to hang out with those who will wear down your morals. When you arrive on campus, you will certainly receive invitations to attend parties during pledge week, where fraternities and sororities recruit members. Most of these gatherings are like high school parties, with the difference being that parents never break it up to send everyone home. As a result, it’s not the best place to be if you’re hoping to maintain your purity. You would be wise to skip such parties. Respectfully declining the opportunity to attend a certain party will not mean the end of your college social life. In fact, it may open the door to finding better friends.

If you have friends who waver between what kind of lifestyle they want to lead, come up with ideas of fun things you can do on weekends that won’t involve them making harmful decisions. Keep them busy with good things, and they’ll see what most college students realize in the silence of their hearts: hookups and hangovers aren’t as much fun as advertised.

2. Choose your college carefully. Consider attending a college that will directly strengthen your faith.

3. Pray in Private: In order for you to keep your faith, you’ll need to become more disciplined in your prayer life. Start now with a routine of morning and night prayers. Perhaps you could get into the habit of doing the Liturgy of the Hours through a prayer app. That way, you’ll have a good habit to bring into college. Also, stay close to Our Lady. Carry a Rosary in your pocket at all times. You’d be surprised how often it reminds you to pray. If there is a Eucharistic adoration chapel anywhere near your school, make a habit of making frequent visits there. A weekly holy hour would be a good place to start.

4. Pray in Public: Never stop going to Mass & confession. There is a good reason why the Bible commands us not to stay away from the assembly of faith (Heb. 10:24-25). We need the support.

5. Stand up: Don’t be afraid to stand up for your faith in the classroom and out of it. You will be tested in many new ways, but God allows such purification in order to strengthen you. You may need to learn how to intellectually defend your faith and your lifestyle as never before. This is a good thing.

6. Read good books: Bring holy reading to college. For starters, you may want to read Pure Faith, How to Stay Catholic in College, Disorientation, and The Way. Also make a practice of reading a few chapters from the Bible each day. If you’re female, consider starting up a book study of How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul.

7. Don’t date right away: Resist the temptation to jump into a romantic relationship right away. It’s exciting to meet so many new faces when you get to college, but take some time to get settled in. Get to know others as friends long before you consider dating him or her.

8. Ask for what you lack: Do not forget that faith is a gift from God. Ask for the gift of faith each day, and it will be granted to you. If you lack courage, ask for that. If you lack purity and conviction, beg for those virtues as well. In the words of Christ, “Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:9-13)

I’m sorry to hear that your friends are pressuring you to make such a life-changing decision. You could reply to them in a number of ways:

1. Tell them virginity is not something to “get done and over with.” That’s an expression that should refer to getting your wisdom teeth pulled out.

2. Tell that that you’d rather your first time be with a husband who will never leave you, not with a hormonal teenage boy who might be gone tomorrow.

3. Ask them if they’d be willing to come to your college dorm next year at 3:00 am to change your baby’s diapers when this guy accidentally impregnates you with a child he has no desire to support. Tell them you’d rather worry about your college entrance exams than pregnancy tests right now.

4. Apart from these blunt replies, it’s important that you tell them with sincerity and charity why you value the gift of sexuality, and why you have no desire to reduce this gift to a loan.

I am sorry to tell you what you already know, but these “friends” do not care about what’s best for you. To them, sex isn’t big deal. It’s just a way to make a guy interested in you. Therefore, I’d strongly suggest you find better friends who bring out the best in you. As St. Paul said, “Bad company corrupts good morals” (1 Cor. 15:33).

These girls may act like sexual activity outside of marriage is harmless fun, but the reality is quite the opposite. I think that sexually active girls often act so carefree to cover up the fact that they are deeply unhappy, confused, lonely, and frustrated. Some of them I’ve met are scared to cry because they’re afraid that if they start, then they won’t be able to stop.

I am not alone in my observations. In 2005, the Washington Times published an article entitled, “Depression: A new sexually transmitted disease.” In it, the author reported that according to the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, depression often follows early sexual activity. The study followed over 13,000 middle and high school students for two years. Of the abstinent teens, only 4% experienced depression.

On the other hand, girls who were sexually promiscuous were eleven times as likely to be depressed. What’s significant about this study is that the depression did not seem to cause the sexual activity, but vice versa. They discovered that any sexual experimentation increased the likelihood of depression for girls. They concluded, “Given the present findings, girls who are engaging in substance use or sexual intercourse should be screened for depression, and provided with anticipatory guidance about the mental health risks of these behaviors.”[1]

You don’t need any of this drama. Follow your intuition and respect yourself. You won’t regret it. In fact, the more you save, the less you regret.

___________________________

[1]. Hallfors, et al., “Which Comes First in Adolescence—Sex and Drugs or Depression?” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 29:3 (October 2005): 169; Hallfors, et al., “Adolescent Depression and Suicide Risk: Association with Sex and Drug Behavior,” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 27:3 (October 2004): 224–231

To begin with, your sexual attraction toward women has been stamped into your heart by God, not by the devil. There is nothing sinful about being sexually attracted to a girl. It is normal and healthy. Do not feel guilty about sexual attraction because it is not the same thing as lust. Just because you have strong desires, this does not mean that you are impure.

Lust is a different matter because it is a conscious act of the will to allow your mind to imagine illicit sexual acts. Lust treats the person as an object—a thing to be used for your pleasure. Therefore it is a distortion of love, and it will never satisfy. Illicit sexual acts such as premarital sex—or deliberately imagining premarital sex—are always incomplete.

Jesus wants us to have the fullness of love and not sell ourselves short with lust. So he warned us that whoever looks lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matt. 5:28). By saying this, Jesus is not condemning us but is calling us. Work as Saint Paul did to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5).

In regard to what to do with tempting thoughts, I recommend what I have recommended elsewhere: If you have impure magazines, videos, and music, get rid of them. Become a man of prayer. Be patient with yourself. Impure thoughts are bound to come. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, and one thought at a time. Do not get overwhelmed. Purity of heart does not mean that you are never tempted and that you cease to be sexually attracted to others. Some people even think that they are pure just because they do not have strong desires or because they never had the opportunity to do something impure with a girl. This is not purity. To be pure requires an act of the will to love, not the absence of sexual desire.

One way to grow in purity is to be grateful for the beauty of women. Lust and true gratitude cannot coexist. So when you see an attractive woman, instead of thinking of her as a mere temptation, give thanks to God for making women so amazing. You could pray the words of Psalm 84, “How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Mighty God!” How fitting, since every woman is a temple of the Holy Spirit, a dwelling place of God.

All beauty comes from God. Therefore, allow the beauty of every woman to remind you of the infinitely greater beauty that awaits you in heaven if you persevere in faith. By doing this you turn your heart toward God when you otherwise may be tempted to turn away from him. Now, I’m not recommending you gawk at a woman and offer a twenty minute prayer of thanksgiving, or you seek out gorgeous women for the sake of having more reasons to be thankful. Rather, be grateful for a woman’s beauty when you notice it, and then move on.

All that God asks is that you be faithful to him as he reveals himself to you in the present moment. He loves you and will give you the grace you need to maintain your purity. As you grow in control over your mind, you will have greater control over your body. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).

It is not wrong to have sexual desires. It is what we do with them in our thoughts, words, and actions that can be good or bad. So here are some tips for training.

Don’t place yourself in relationships or situations where you know mistakes will happen. Sometimes we march right into tempting situations and then blame God that the temptations were too strong to resist. Surround yourself with good friends, because as Saint Paul said, “Bad company ruins good morals” (1 Cor. 15:33). We may have heard our parents say that before, but research backs it up: when most of a teen’s friends are sexually active, that teen is 31 times as likely to get drunk and 22 times as likely to have smoked pot compared with teens who don’t hang out with sexually active friends.[1] Other researchers have noted, “only 4 percent of young people whose friends were not sexually active were sexually active themselves. Amongst those whose friends were sexually active, the figure was 43 percent.”[2]

If you watch MTV or vulgar sitcoms or if you read Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, or other things that are impure, get rid of them. Consider them love pollution. Also avoid being idle. This is the chief means by which we end up falling into sin. Keep yourself occupied with friends, service work, sports, hobbies, and similar activities.

This all requires a determination for purity. But consider how people deny themselves to get the perfect body. If people spent one-tenth that time caring for their souls, we would be a world of saints. No one thinks a man is repressive if he eats healthy food to prepare for a marathon. In the same way, what you are preparing for—love and holiness—requires serious training. You will not be repressing your sexual desires but redirecting that energy toward selfless love.

You are not alone in your struggle with temptation. In fact, even the saints endured similar battles. In the words of Saint Paul, “I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. . . . But I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members” (Rom. 7:19, 23). During this struggle, remember that God’s grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

Ask God for the wisdom to avoid temptation and the grace to please him. He will give these spiritual gifts and many others—to those who ask for them. In the words of a wise priest, “The one obstacle that can turn our lives to misery is the refusal to believe that God will give us the victory of perfect chastity.”[3]

How do you obtain that victory? Step number one is prayer. Set a daily prayer time and stick to it. I also recommend the frequent reception of the sacraments, especially Mass and reconciliation. The Eucharist is the fountain of purity, so take advantage of those graces. Going to Mass will not take away all your temptations, but it will give you the grace of charity. In the Eucharist Christ gives himself fully to us so that we might give ourselves fully. This is the foundation of chastity, because love motivates us to live for others instead of for ourselves. Make time for daily Mass and go whenever possible. If there is a church in your area that has a Eucharistic Adoration chapel, make frequent visits to Jesus there. In other words, make your life intensely Eucharistic.

There are many devotions that can strengthen your life. For example, pray a rosary every day. This takes only fifteen to twenty minutes, so set some time aside for that. Praying the stations of the cross is another source of tremendous power that people tend to overlook. For a simple prayer, quietly and devoutly say the names of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Take up a devotion to your guardian angel, who is always there to help you resist temptation. Turn to the Bible, because it is a great source of grace and consolation whenever we need it. For starters, read 1 Peter 5:6–10. Lastly, if you’re serious about wanting to make moral progress in your life, find a good confessor or spiritual director. As they say, “He who has himself as a guide has a fool for a disciple.”

________________________ [1]. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, “National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse IX: Teen Dating Practices and Sexual Activity,” Columbia University (August 2004), 6. [2]. The Australian Family Association 7:1 (February 2001), as reported by Abstinence Network 5:1 (Spring 2001), 9. [3]. Paul M. Quay, S.J., The Christian Meaning of Human Sexuality (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1985), 106.

I would recommend three things. First, pray and fast for your school. In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus spoke about how some people could only be healed of their spiritual illness through other people’s prayer and fasting for them (9:29).

Second, one of the most effective things you can do to spread the message of chastity is to live it. This is because the virtue of purity is more easily caught than taught. As Saint Francis said, ‘‘Preach the gospel always. When necessary, use words.’’ Your silent example comes first. If you are in a dating relationship, make sure that God is the center of it so that your classmates will see what joy a godly relationship can bring. Even if you are not dating anyone, your witness of purity is just as powerful. To quote Saint Paul, ‘‘Let no one despise your youth, but set the believers an example in speech and conduct, in love, in faith, in purity’’ (1 Tim. 4:12).

The world seriously doubts that chastity can exist in the lives and relationships of modern couples. It refuses to believe that two young people madly in love with one another can resist temptation. What the world does not see is that as long as the couple have a motive—true love—it is very possible. Not only is it possible, but Mary Beth Bonacci observed that couples who live chastity ‘‘were having an easier time getting out of bad relationships. They were making better marriage decisions. They were happier.’’[1] Therefore, be a light to the world. Your school needs to see that we do not embrace chastity because we’re afraid of venereal infections or unwanted pregnancy.

Everyone is aware of the sexual messages that bombard us on every television channel and radio station. The message of ‘‘sexual liberation’’ surrounds us. Unfortunately, to curb this permissiveness, the message of purity has often been couched in terms like ‘‘Just say no,’’ ‘‘True love waits,’’ ‘‘Abstain.’’ All of these slogans are good, but they can create the impression that purity is nothing more than a system of restraints. This may not appeal to a person who only knows the immediate ‘‘love’’ and affection of purely physical relationships. Because of this, the message of chastity needs to be rehabilitated so that everyone will be able to see the clear and obvious link between true love, total freedom, and purity. It is not about avoiding STDs. It is about having a better kind of love. Most importantly, it is about wanting heaven for the person you love.

Third, to get this message out, I would recommend starting a chastity club at your high school or college. This is not an abstinence bereavement group but an apostolate to spread the message of chastity courageously. Through the club, you can connect with students who share your passion for purity and launch any number of projects and activities to transform your campus. Some of the projects involve visiting local high schools or junior highs to spread the message of chastity to younger students. Considering that there are over sixteen million high school students in America, there is much work to be done.[2] If your school is Catholic, another goal of the club can be to start up Eucharistic Adoration on your campus, with the help of the chaplain or campus minister. This has an unspeakable power to sanctify the students (and faculty) because you are bringing Christ Himself into their midst. In the words of Pope John Paul II,

“The Eucharist is the secret of my day. It gives strength and meaning to all my activities of service to the Church and to the whole world. . . . Let Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament speak to your hearts. It is He who is the true answer of life that you seek. He stays here with us: He is God with us. Seek Him without tiring, welcome Him without reserve, love Him without interruption: today, tomorrow, forever.”[3]

One girl said after hearing a talk on sexual purity, ‘‘I agree with everything you say. I know most of my friends would, too. It all makes so much sense. It’s just that no one else I know is actually doing it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be the first one. Maybe if a group of us all started together.’’[4] This is your job—to create a culture in which it is easy to be good, a climate favorable to purity. In the words of Saint Catherine of Siena, ‘‘If you are what you should be, you will set the world on fire.’’[5]

______________________________

[1]. Mary Beth Bonacci, ‘‘Expressing Love: How to Speak the Language of Permanence,’’ Be, May–June 2000, 10.

[2]. ‘‘Digest of Education Statistics Tables and Figures, 2005,’’ The National Center for Education Statistics, U.S. Department of Education.

[3]. Pope John Paul II, L’Osservatore Romano 41 (October 8, 1997), 7.

[4]. Shalit, A Return to Modesty, 229.

[5]. St. Catherine of Siena, letter 368.